


Lucid Indifference

by Chubby Skater (levi_robbed_my_tea_cupboard)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dogs, Gen, I'm Sorry, Post-Canon, Sad, Slice of Life, but this is also not creepy or weird, dealing with death, dogs live shorter than humans, how life is, indifference, no happy ending, this just is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-13 08:40:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21241292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/levi_robbed_my_tea_cupboard/pseuds/Chubby%20Skater
Summary: Dogs live shorter than humans and that’s a fact. At times, Yuuri is very good at acknowledging facts.





	Lucid Indifference

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave now if you don’t like sad stories, you’ve got an old or ill pet or you can be easily triggered by topics like death and self-hatred. There’s no happy ending, there’s a real ending.

One and half a year passed since Yuuri moved to Petersburg and everything seemed to finally click into it's places. He could feel the familiar repetitiveness of another year passing in the same place, got used to the specific way in which snow was crackling under his shoes in winter and how one long May day the night would abandon the city for long weeks. He memorised Victor's city paths, adding his own to the mental map of their little part of the world, and stopped freaking out every time Victor casually sorted their combined laundry, regularly rebuking him about sorting whites instead. Last autumn he got to know the full palette of colours the nearby park had to offer and eventually he could even read Cyrillic in a relatively acceptable speed. Everything was perfectly fine. Instead of one thing.

Makkachin wasn’t fine. She wasn’t eating properly and her body temperature was too high. The next antibiotics didn’t help and eventually she ended with an injection. Victor had to take her to vet every day and was categorically refusing when Yuuri suggested that maybe just this one time he would go instead. It was a lost battle and they always went together. Victor was more heartbroken every other time.

When one day the vet suggested that it was almost time to let Makka go Victor cried the entire night. He hated the vet for the suggestion alone. It wasn’t like Makka was unwilling to fight. Not all the time. There were moments when she would come and cuddle, lick their hands and eat on her own. Just a little bit but eat. Eat! For three weeks Victor had to force food in her. She didn’t want to eat nothing but the cheapest, the least nourishing pet food from supermarkets which in normal conditions Victor wouldn’t even consider buying. But at that point all they could do was indulging her in whatever way they could.

It was after the second injection, Makka sleeping on her den after the tiring day, when Victor cuddled to Yuuri’s chest on the sofa. He was shivering and Yuuri had to cover them with a blanket, which was so unlike when it was Victor who was in Yuuri’s embrace, not the other way around.

Yuuri was a terrible comforter. He had no idea, especially considering his own reaction to his dog’s death. Which was also so different, because no one had expected that. Yuuri had been informed when it was all after. And that one time when Makka almost choked? Another accident, another unexpected situation, happily solved that time. Also different. Yuuri knew that and he was aware that Victor knew too, which made it even worse. There was actually no way to save Makka, at her age, with cancer in her digestive tract it was the matter of time.

A wave of anxiety was knocking on Yuuri’s door, bringing new quality of what his anxiety could be, twisting his thoughts in the weirdest directions and breaking him yet again. The problem was that that time Yuuri couldn’t afford breaking because of Victor. He had to stay strong for Victor, even if he was the most disgusting, cold-hearted fiancé one could imagine, his anxiety working hard to convince him all of the above true.

Victor’s eyes were sore and red while he was trembling in Yuuri’s arms, yet Yuuri didn’t shred a single tear. Yuuri felt that Makka’s death was inevitable, it was coming if not this week then another and there was no denying of the fact. No tears, no excusing could help her at that point. It wasn’t even the cancer itself, it was her age. Whatever they did, Makka was a dog and dogs didn’t outlive humans.

Yuuri was stroking Victor’s hair, thinking that Victor should probably be aware of that when he decided to get a dog and at some point mentally prepare himself. After all, Yuuri had survived his dark hour and hadn’t been prepared at all. But maybe that rapid bucket of cold water that Mari threw at him by phone that November evening could run down Yuuri more superficially as it hadn’t really had time to sink in. Meanwhile it felt like Victor was imbibing every minute of Makka’s illness and was going to expiate it again after… After.

For some inexplicable reason Yuuri felt nothing but a slight sadness and apart from that cold logic dominated his thoughts concerning Makka. Not that that meant the anxiety went better, of course not. Guilt because of the disability to empathize with Victor was like the best nourishment for Yuuri’s insecure mind.

“Yuuri” Victor sobbed in his arms. “I’m a terrible human being.”

Yuuri pressed Victor stronger to his torso and kissed the top of his head. “You’re not.”

Victor breathed heavily and collapsed even more, into a silver haired ball of sadness.

“But I am. I just thought a terrible thing.” As impossible as it seemed, another few tears appeared in Victor’s eyes.

“That’s ok.”

“N-no it’s not. I just thought that maybe...” Yuuri caressed Victor’s chick, pressing his own chick to his parting. “…maybe it’d be better if Makka just fall asleep one night and didn’t woke up.” Victor pulled the blanket on his head.

Yuuri was surprised. Not because of the thought but because it was Victor’s. Yuuri had thought about the same thing a couple of times.

“That’s ok.” Yuuri repeated, now cuddling a blanket dumpling with human filling.

“No.” Yuuri could barely hear Victor’s voice, muffled by the blanket. “It’s as if I wanted her to die, to… end this. But taking no responsibility for that. It pains so much to watch her suffer but I won’t be able look at myself if I put her to sleep and there would be a chance…”

_But there is no chance_ Yuuri thought, but said nothing.

There was a chance. Makka was better, the injection antibiotics worked and since she seemed to fight the vet decided they might try chemotherapy. With that they could lengthen her life slightly and Victor hold onto it like it was the last resort. Yuuri was terrified.

Makka indeed was better, jumping on their bed and being interested in going out for walks. She even ate some better quality food, to Victor’s delight.

There was a chance. Makka was chasing birds in the park. Late spring sun was shining through the green leaves when she was praised by Victor, offering her favourite dog snacks which she willingly ate, while Yuuri could think only about one thing. Would Makka be still there to jump on the leaves when they fall down in a few months? Another piece added up to Yuuri’s self-hatred pile when he couldn’t help doubting it.

Victor was half lying on the couch with Makka between his legs, licking his face as he teasingly ate a slice of ham in front of her. Yuuri’s stomach stiffened when he remembered he'd kind of taught Victor that, describing how he’d used to get a piece of katsudon meat to his mouth and give it to Vicchan to bite and Mari had called him gross for it. He’d thought Victor would call that gross as well but he’d underestimated how much of a dog person Victor was.

There was a chance, as their new veterinarian said, instructing them how to give her injections on their own. Victor’s eye were almost going out of his head to remember exactly what to do, but Yuuri was weirdly convinced he’d be the one to do this. He didn’t really want Victor to.

They had an appointment next week for Makka’s surgery, that was decided to be done before the chemotherapy. Victor went through all the possible options, at first wanting to go to the most luxurious looking pet clinic in Petersburg but Yuuri somehow convinced him it would be better to stay close home. The day they walked Makka for the surgery Yuuri had to calm down both his fiancé and their dog. Victor was crazing about it and Makka somehow _knew_.

They left Makka at the veterinarian’s in the morning and were supposed to get there only the next day at earliest, in case of any complication even later. Victor hugged her tightly and Yuuri knew he tried his hardest not to cry. So he didn’t, instead shaking on his entire body, trembling hands and bangs waving over his head. Makka barked shortly, as if it was her who had to cheer up Victor and Victor hugged her harder. Then it was Yuuri’s turn, calmed and disgustingly cold Yuuri’s, to hug her before the surgery. Makka gave him a look as if she was trying to say_ take care of him for me_ and Yuuri shivered. Was that it? Was it their last goodbye? Yuuri prayed to every god he could recall to not allow it.

The clinic’s door closed behind them. Victor started to cry.

To Yuuri’s relief the surgery went fine. Makka was loudly protesting about a terribly pink doggy doublet she was forced to wear for a while but Victor was amazed and kept taking a photo after photo. Her mood swings, changing from dejected to excited a few times a day, were strongly affecting Victor, making the following days hard to survive and being particularly problematic when Victor had to leave for a show in Moscow. Yurio had to literally shove him into the plane and Yuuri, who stayed with Makka in Petersburg, was forced to skype Victor every half an hour. When Yurio sent him a video from the show, in which Victor spectacularly ruined two jumps, one in a dangerously uncontrolled way, Yuuri had a flash of thought that it better ended quickly. A while after he was kneeling in front of the toilet, his stomach empty.

“Phichit?”

“Well hello. Looks like Victor’s cheating on you in the park.”

“What?”

“You missed his last Instagram pic? You? The first, freakiest of his fans?”

Yuuri opened the app and saw a picture of Makkachin with a paw reached ahead and hold by Victor. The photo was slightly blurry, since Victor must have taken it with left hand, holding Makkachin’s with right so that, Yuuri was convinced, his ring was showing. The picture was captioned _With first true love #makkachin #poodle #walkwiththedog #oldlady #park #summerlove #healing_

“Phich, it’s six minutes old.”

“Yeees? So you should have known about it six minutes ago.”

“I don’t spend my life in the internet, unlike someone else.”

Phichit rolled his eyes.

“Yuuuuri, two years ago you would be the one to inform me about the new cute photo of Makkachin!”

“Two years ago I didn’t live with them” murmured Yuuri, glancing at the phone behind a pile of socks he was hanging. “Why would I stalk him now?”

“Wow Yuuri, you’ve grown up. I’m so proud of you.” Phichit wiped a non-existent tear.

“Thank you?” Yuuri made a face.

“Always at you service. So what are you going to do with the pic?”

“Why would I do anything?”

“Oh, you know, act jealous or…”

“Phich, cut it. I know how it looks like, but it’s really bad. With Makka I mean. Victor is cheating _himself_ for three months now but… But I just know she won’t do much longer. It’s the time.”

There was a silence between them and Yuuri managed to hang three socks undisturbed.

“Yuuri... Why didn’t you tell me? You must be devastated.”

“I didn’t wanna talk about it. And I’m not. Which is the problem.”

Yuuri glanced one more time at the picture and swallowed hardly. The awareness of how cold-hearted he happened to be was paralyzing.

Unlike the previous day, the August night was cold. The wind wasn’t strong, but still enough to move the light curtains in their bedroom and chill the air. On the cloudless sky even in Petersburg a few stars were showing, presaging a chilly morning. They probably should have closed the windows but something felt not right about it.

The August night was cold, the air crisp. Yuuri hating himself. Victor lying in Yuuri’s arms. Victor crying. Victor crying because it was really bad with Makkachin. Victor crying because the reality was slowly reaching his consciousness. Yuuri hating himself, because it had reached his own months ago. Makkachin lying on her bed. Makkachin lying there alone. Makkachin who didn’t want to sleep with them that night.

In the morning they went to the vet. Makkachin ate a few scraps of food before and thoroughly licked Yuuri’s hands. Yuuri kept hating himself. They went to the vet, who gave Makkachin an injection and gave them a number to a private all day clinic, just in case. Yuuri did all the talking.

The change in Victor’s behaviour hit Yuuri in his face when he was landing in Osaka the night before a sponsorship event. Victor stayed in Petersburg with Makka, which information didn’t please the sponsors, but his appearance wasn’t a part of the contract either and Makka was worlds more important. Yuuri was almost hesitant at first but he managed to set up Yurio to spend time with them so he hoped it won’t be that bad. The stream of messages from Victor ensured him he was wrong.

He got a dozen of Makka’s pictures, most of them of her lying in her den and sleeping, one of her eating, followed with a stream of heart emojis, and the last from the park. All these entwined with Victor’s thoughts.

_Look how sweet she is_

*a picture of Makka sleeping*

_Like a giant plushie_

*the same Makka from a different angle*

_Yurio came but she’s still sleeping_

*a zoom on Makka’s nose*

_She woke up and ate some treats_

*a particularly sad looking Makka*

_We’re going for a walk <3_

*a picture from the park*

_Yuuri_

_You know_

_I think she doesn’t have much time left_

*Makka standing in the park alley, sun highlighting her soft fur*

Yuuri realised that the reality eventually reached Victor. He felt a relief. And he hated himself for that.

After two years of almost constantly travelling with Victor and being in rush before competition it felt somehow detached from reality to leave the plane alone, alone wait for his language and leave the airport with no one waiting for him. Making sure he had everything Yuuri caught a cab and tried to recall his routine for tonight only to prevent falling asleep.

He wasn’t nervous about his skating even aware that he wouldn’t have Victor next to him. No one was going to score, he could skate just for pleasure. No pressure would be on him and no devastating news to… Oh. Oh _no_! It was August. The season started in a few weeks. _It would be better if Victor had time to recover after Makka dies._ It was a terrible thought to have and I _should _make him uneasy. But it just appeared in his head and it didn’t. Yuuri was a piece of trash.

Another cold August night. Victor wasn’t sleeping in the bed. Victor was sleeping on the floor with Makka. She refused to come to bed, so Victor refused too. There were three of them. Eventually Victor fell asleep with Makka’s paw in his hand. _As in the Intagram photo,_ thought Yuuri, _but at the same time completely different._

The next morning summer felt like autumn. They had to put on coats and scarves. They had to take the car and carry Makka downstairs.

Victor took the shortest way. They were passing a park. The same where Yuuri had been wondering if the leaves would fall first, still even on the branches, the same where Victor took that memorable photo, the same where they took Makka for her last walk. The same where she would play with a friendly mongrel and Victor would chatter with an older lady. It was the last time they were looking at the park with Makka next to them.

**Author's Note:**

> I must be a really bad person cause I actually enjoyed writing this.
> 
> Yuuri is me.
> 
> I’m sorry (I’m not). This is how I dealt with the death of my friend’s cat. Although it’s a short fic it was written within months long period of time, starting when my friend’s sweetheart was in a really bad shape and ended once the pet died. So Yuuri’s thoughts and dilemmas are to some extend mine. Somehow writing them down was very relieving. I also deleted the most heart-breaking part so it’s not that bad in the end (I hope)
> 
> Besides, I'm rather new to the fandom but I feel like Makka's death is some kind of tabu and as far as I've seen everybody avoids the topic (which is understandable, but still) so I wanted to give it a try because considering Makka's canonic age which must be around 10... Let's be realistic.
> 
> Comments are very welcome (even the bad ones tbh >.<)


End file.
